(Goblin is 31 months)
I think Goblin it quite a nice kid for his age, he is pretty good at sharing most of the time (although writing that down has probably jinxed it), he gives great hugs to people he knows, he likes the company of other kids and chats away to adults. But I have noticed that if he asks for something and doesn't say please people assume he is being bossy or rude - even if they know him. They seem to apply adult values instantly and pull a negative face, or even make comments like 'don't be greedy' or 'you're very demanding'.
The simple addition of the word 'please' into this sentence, even if the tone is identical, seems to completely change peoples perspective. Suddenly they are smiling and saying oh what a sweetie he is (well actually they usually say "what a sweetie she is', - see my post on his hair).
I find this reaction quite odd. People don't think he is being rude if he does a poop in their living room. They accept that he is a toddler and hasn't learned to use the toilet yet. So why do they think that if he doesn't use an arbitrary social convention correctly it is because he is being impolite rather than acting his age.
It feels odd. It doesn't sit comfortably with the rest of my parenting approach which tries to avoid the quick wins in order to help Goblin develop a more reflective approach where he chooses the right option for his own reasons rather than because 'Mummy will be cross if I don't'. But on this particular issue I think making my child life a little bit easier and ensuring he gets smiles rather than sneers from adults (especially the older generation) is worth a little compromise.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and whether you teach your little ones to say Please and Thank you?
interesting.... we don't insist on please and thank you we never have, we believe in learning by role, so when we ask for something from him we say please, when he gives us something we say thank you. J is a strange toddler though he won't say a word until he can say it properly - he discovered a couple of weeks ago he can say Thank you properly and now will randomly go and Thank people for spending time with him, giving him sweet etc... he still can't say please, we try and get him to say it but he just won't (I don't mean in a if you want this you must say it kind of way but in a can you say please, can you say dinosaur, can you say......). One day he will say it but I'm not going to force it up on him.
ReplyDeleteThats a really good point Cerys, we do model as well. I didn't realise until I started thinking about whether i needed to actively teach Goblin manners, and then I realised that Hublet and I are naturally quite polite to each other. We also bring each other things and Goblin has started to do that - bringing his friends toys - Its so cute.
DeleteI'm with you- I didn't insist on please and thank you- or on "excuse me" or other forms of manners until my kids hit 3 and 4- I found that they did have a tough time interacting with other kids in pre-school who were accustomed to it- to the point of being ostracized for awhile for being "rude". We've been working on it- gently- But, I try to emphasize the need for manners very gently. I don't want it to be compulsory and artificial- So I ask, "Were those good or bad manners?' And, I allow them to answer me and explain why- I hope this is a sound approach. I grew up with a very strict "Yes, Sir/ No, Ma'am" upbringing and I don't force that on my kids- I just look for a respectful response....Great post!
ReplyDeleteThis is crazy! I literally have been having this exact thought process going on in my head this morning and yesterday. (You know when you have those times of reflections about your parenting style?) I am right there with you, and you put into words how I feel about it. I don't insist or make a huge deal, but I do encourage good manners. I have a friend who calmly asks her son, "Would you like to try that again?" when he forgets his manners. I like that and try to use it.
ReplyDeleteOh I like that "would you like to try again" thats a good one, I might see if that would work with Goblin, although I suspect we haven't got to the point where he'd understand which bit of the sentence he'd got wrong
Delete24 crayons!?!? You are crazy! :) Thanks for the sweet comments about the Monster Crayon Roll. We do encourage her to say please/thank you, especially thank you if someone gives her something i.e. stickers at the grocery store, etc. We try really hard to model it by saying please when we ask her to something and when we speak to each other, but she definitely needs reminding from time to time, usually in public.
ReplyDeleteThats interesting because Goblin is also a lot more consistent at home than out and about, i think they get distracted with other things.
DeleteHonestly, I still need to work on MY please and thank yous. My husband is VERY polite and corrects me often, so it isn't a big leap to help Bobo with his manners. When hubby was staying home, Bobo always had polite manners. Now, that is with others more often, he forgets. It's a work in progress.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are pretty polite--I've always insisted on please and thank you--but I've actually just started encouraging them to say "Yes, ma'am," and "Yes, sir." We live in the South and, like you said, people respond more positively to kids who use polite words. Around here, that includes the ma'am's and sirs. ;) Actually, my older preschooler resists the change more than my 23-month old who just parrots back anything I suggest he say! I think the more my daughter hears it at home, though, the more natural it will be for her.
ReplyDeleteI am in the minority here, because I do require my little guy to say please and thank you, and will withhold things (some things) if he does not ask nicely.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm a little old-fashioned. I often complain to my husband that society is no longer as courteous as it used to be. I would like to preserve some of that. I think it just makes the world a nicer place to live in.